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How Do Fathers Fit In? CIVITAS
[The Institute for the Study of Civil Society]
There is a tendency today to speak of 'parents' or
'carers' rather than 'mothers' or 'fathers'. People
often say that the most important thing in raising children
is to give them lots of love, something that all parents
can do, regardless of whether they are a mother or a
father. However, there are also many ways that mothers
and fathers can bring unique strengths to their relationships
with their children. In real people's lives, you can
see these contributions, and they have been measured
by social scientists. Fathers-just like mothers-always
matter.
Two Heads are Better Than One
Richness of Care A child who has both a
mother and a father benefits from an increased richness
of care. In other words, children with both a mother
and a father can benefit from more caring, as well as
a variety of caring styles.
Bridges to the World
Through their fathers and mothers, children have
access to a vast network including grandparents, cousins,
aunts and uncles, friends of the family, work colleagues,
community organisations, faith communities, and even
personal histories. Fathers and mothers provide 'bridges'
to all these aspects of the outside world, providing
more experiences for children as well as practical opportunities
such as job possibilities.
Mothers Benefit from Fathers' Support
If a mother can count on her children's father to
help with keeping the house clean and in good repair,
caring for the children, paying the bills, and planning
for the future, she probably will be a happier, more
effective parent. The support a mother receives from
her child's father can even help her be more competent
and sensitive when feeding her baby. Mothers seem to
gain the most security when they are married and know
the father is committed to a lifelong relationship to
her and their child.[1]
Breadwinning
Today, most families rely upon the incomes of both
mothers and fathers. However, fathers still provide
the lion's share of income. Fathers are either the sole
earners or the main earners in two-thirds of two-parent
households. Moreover, fathers' earnings are uniquely
linked to many positive results for children, even when
mothers' earnings are taken into consideration.[2]
Complementary Roles
It often is useful, as well as accurate, to generalise
about average differences between men and women. Whether
these differences are due more to inborn biological
chemistry, or social pressures, or some combination
of the two, is much debated.
It is generally agreed that men and women should
no longer be regarded as 'opposites'. The important
thing to remember is that mothers and fathers often
bring different strengths and styles to their parenting
roles. These roles complement each other, meaning that
they are not interchangeable and are each necessary
for healthy childrearing.
'Do fathers and mothers have different styles
of play? Consider these two examples: a father picks
up his son, seven-month-old David, tosses him in the
air, and throws his head back so that he and David are
face to face. As David giggles and chortles, his father
lowers him, shakes him, and tosses him up in the air
again. A mother sits her daughter, ten-month-old Lisa,
on her lap and pulls out her favourite toy, a green
donkey that brays when you squeeze it. Lisa smiles,
and for the next few minutes her mother moves the donkey
in front of Lisa's eyes, makes it bray, and talks and
sings to her daughter. Lisa watches intently, smiles,
and occasionally reaches for her donkey. Are these examples
merely cultural stereotypes, or do mothers and fathers
really play with their babies in different ways? A series
of studies confirm that differences in parental play
styles do exist. 'From the book Fatherhood, by
Ross Parke
How Fathers Influence Children
As They Grow
In the past, psychologists studying
the development of children focused almost exclusively
on children's relationships with their mothers. Today,
they have come to agree that fathers play a unique and
crucial role in nurturing and guiding children's development.
Many experts now believe that fathers can be just as
nurturing and sensitive with their babies as mothers.
[4] As their children grow, fathers take on added roles
of guiding their children's intellectual and social
development. Even when a father is 'just playing' with
his children, he is nurturing their development.
Fathers and Babies
Babies need predictability and security, which they
get when their mother and father respond consistently,
promptly, and appropriately to their cries, smiles and
other signals. As a baby develops a relationship with
his or her mother and father, he comes to prefer them
to other adults, in a process known as attachment. Psychologists
agree that babies with secure attachments to their parents
have better chances to develop into happy, successful,
and well-adjusted children and adults. [5] Mothers tend
to be relied upon more than fathers for the comfort
and security components of attachment, primarily because
they are usually the infant's main caregiver. [6] Babies
also form attachments to their fathers, who tend to
be just as responsive to their babies' bids for attention
as mothers. [7] When fathers spend more time with their
babies, they get to know exactly what each of their
baby's signals mean. This familiarity allows fathers
to respond sensitively, meaning that they know when
their baby is hungry rather than when he just wants
a change of scenery. [8]
The effects of attachment on children are broad and
long-lasting. For example, one study found that primary
school children scored higher on tests of empathy-the
ability to see a situation from another person's viewpoint-if
they had secure attachments to their fathers during
infancy. These children were able to recognize how other
children felt and took steps to make them feel better.
[9]
Both mothers and fathers encourage their babies to
investigate the world, manipulate objects, and explore
physical relationships. [10] However, mothers and fathers
have different styles of relating. Mothers tend to speak
soothingly and softly in repetitive rhythms to their
infants and snugly hold them. Fathers tend to provide
more verbal and physical stimulation, by patting their
babies gently and communicating to them with sharp bursts
of sound. As babies grow older, many come to prefer
playing with their fathers who provide unpredictable,
stimulating, and exciting interaction. [11] This stimulation
is important because it fosters healthy development
of the baby's brain and can have lasting effects on
children's social, emotional, and intellectual development.
Infants with involved fathers tend to score higher on
tests of thinking skills and brain development. [12]
Both the mother and the father are important to an
infant's development in special ways. For example, in
one study, baby boys whose fathers engaged in physically
playful, affectionate and stimulating play during infancy
were more popular later as school children. Mothers
influenced their sons' popularity through a different
route, by providing verbal stimulation.[13]
Fathers and Small Children
When babies become toddlers, parents must go beyond
nurturing them and begin to address two additional needs:
supporting their toddler's exploration and setting appropriate
limits for the child. Through playing with their toddlers,
fathers take a special role in achieving these two goals.
Children learn from them how to solve problems and how
to get along with others. [14] Fathers spend a larger
proportion of their time playing with their young children
than mothers do, and they tend to be more boisterous
and active in their play. Most children enjoy this kind
of play. [15] Even if their fathers spend less time
with them than their mothers, fathers become salient,
or meaningful and special, to their children through
play. [16]
When fathers play with their toddlers, they are not
just entertaining them. They are providing a safe, yet
challenging arena for toddlers to learn how to interact
with the world and with others. Through rough-and-tumble
play, fathers create obstacles for their children and
demand respect for limits and boundaries. At the same
time, they challenge their children and encourage them
to explore their own strength, their ability to do new
things, and their impact on the world around them. Toddlers
who must work out for themselves how to achieve goals-such
as retrieving a ball that is just out of reach in their
father's hand or wrestling their father to the ground-are
practicing important problem-solving skills. In fact,
when fathers are good at playing with their young children,
these children score higher on tests of thinking and
problem-solving skills. [17]
Playing with fathers also helps children develop
emotional knowledge, so that they can identify their
own emotions, acknowledge the emotional experiences
of others, and describe the causes of emotions. Toddlers
must also learn emotional regulation, the ability to
express emotions responsibly and control their behaviour.
To understand how much emotional regulation develops
during early childhood, one can picture a toddler in
the midst of an angry temper tantrum, holding his breath
until he gets his way. Contrast this with a four-year-old
who feels frustrated that the rain has ruined his plans
to play football, yet moves beyond those feelings and
engages in a board game with his sister instead. When
children understand their emotions and know how to control
them, it makes them more popular with other children.
[18]
The father's influence on emotional development is
not limited to play, but also comes through direct teaching
and daily interaction. Studies have shown that, when
fathers are affectionate and helpful, their children
are more likely to get on well with their brothers and
sisters. [19] When children have fathers who are emotionally
involved-that is, they acknowledge their children's
emotions and help them deal with bad emotions-they score
higher on tests of 'emotional intelligence'. Moreover,
they tend to have better relationships with other children
and behave less aggressively. Fathers' involvement in
their young children's care can even last well into
adulthood. [20] Mothers seem to have much less impact
in this area of emotional regulation and peer relationships
than fathers. It really is fathers who can have a major
influence on helping their children build strong social
relationships during childhood and later in life.
Fathers of Children at Primary School
Learning to meet challenges As children reach school
age, they begin to grapple with learning more adult-like
skills, testing them out in new environments, and dealing
with the feelings evoked by successes and failures.
A sense of industry, or a belief that he or she can
accomplish a goal or master a skill, is important to
a child's developing sense of self-esteem. Fathers seem
to be key teachers in this area. As one expert puts
it, 'the quality of the father's involvement during
this period is a crucial factor in determining whether
the child develops the confidence and competence to
meet new challenges in a positive manner.' [21]
One reason that fathers have such an influential
role at this time is because they tend to challenge
their children to try new experiences and to become
more independent. Challenged children have more opportunity
to develop problem-solving skills. In one study, children
whose fathers expected them to handle responsibilities,
such as carrying scissors, crossing the street, or taking
a bath alone, scored higher in tests of thinking skills.
[22] Accomplishing tasks at this age is so important,
and fathers' involvement is so crucial, that fathers
have a larger influence on their children's self-esteem
at this age than do mothers. [23]
By encouraging children to take on new challenges,
fathers help them not only to learn new skills, but
also to take responsibility for their own actions. [24]
Fathers with a strong commitment to their family provide
a model of responsible behaviour for their children.
These children have an internal sense of control, which
means that they are more likely to believe that their
successes and failures are due to their own efforts
rather than due to external factors. These children
tend to take more responsibility for their actions and
rarely blame others for their mistakes. [25]
Fathers usually have a positive influence on their
children's sense of industry, competence, and responsibility.
However, if a father discourages his children and intrudes
on potential learning situations by being too restrictive
or imposing his own solutions, he will have a bad influence
on his children. Whether this type of paternal behaviour
is motivated by a desire to protect his child, by feelings
of impatience or frustration, or by his lack of trust
in the child, it can hamper children's development of
creativity, motivation, and problem-solving skills,
making them less responsible and more dependent. [26]
Achieving in school
Generally speaking, the more actively involved and
interested a father is in his children's care and education,
the more intellectually developed his children are.
[27] Why should this be the case? One reason is that,
when fathers are involved, they tend to provide better
economic support for their children. Children with better
economic support have access to more educational resources
and have better opportunities to learn. For example,
in two-parent families, the more the father earns, the
better his children do at school, even when mothers'
earnings are taken into consideration. [28] Another
reason that fathers influence intellectual development
is that, when their children are school-aged, fathers
spend a good deal of time helping them with studies.
This level of commitment has an impact on children's
academic success. In one study, four- and five-year-old
boys scored higher in maths tests when fathers encouraged
skills like counting and reading. [29] In another study,
the level of a father's involvement in his child's academic
studies predicted success later in life. One expert
even found that the amount of time fathers spend with
their children has a direct link with maths skills.
[30]
The influence fathers have on their children's intellectual
development is not limited specifically to helping with
school work. Fathers can have a positive influence on
their children's thinking skills by participating in
social activities and sports as well. [31] One study
found that children whose fathers encouraged them in
sport and fitness activities were more successful in
school and in their careers later in life. This held
true for daughters as well as sons. [32]Getting on in
life A father's involvement during his children's school
years has other positive outcomes. The first years of
school can be difficult for children, but fathers can
help their children adjust. [33] When fathers are supportive,
their children have fewer problems at school such as
excessive absence or poor exam results. This holds true
even after taking into consideration the influence of
the children's mothers. [34] Even when fathers provide
only limited attention, warmth, and affection, and are
not around all of the time, their children benefit from
their influence in terms of adjusting to new experiences,
having stable emotions, and knowing how to get along
with others. [35] For children with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity
Disorder (ADHD), supportive fathers can have a stronger
positive influence on their adjustment to school than
mothers. [36]
Moral development is another area where fathers have
special influence. How do fathers influence their children's
moral development? First, by directly providing guidance
and direction. When fathers share their plans, activities,
and interests, their children are better behaved in
school. When fathers emphasise how behaviour can affect
other people's feelings, their school-aged daughters
are regarded as very unselfish by classmates. The mere
presence of a father helped boys in one study to develop
patience by waiting for things they wanted. These children
chose to delay a small reward of sweets for a week in
order to receive a larger reward of sweets.
Fathers also influence their children's moral development
by providing models for their children. In one study,
boys who felt similar to, admired, and wanted to resemble
their fathers scored higher on tests of personal moral
judgement, moral values, and rule-following. However,
boys who did not identify strongly with their fathers
showed reluctance to accept blame or guilt when they
misbehaved. These boys also tended to have problems
with self-control and were more aggressive in school.
[37] The father's special influence on his school-aged
children's development of personal morality lasts into
adulthood. Adults whose fathers had been highly involved
when they were children were more tolerant and understanding
and engaged in more socially responsible behaviour than
those with less involved fathers. [38]
Fathers and Teenagers
One of the main tasks for adolescents and teenagers
is to develop their personal identity and deepen their
relationships with their friends, while also maintaining
a strong connection to their families. Teenagers spend
more time away from their parents and look to their
friends for cues on how to dress and which parties to
go to. However, mothers and fathers continue to have
a strong influence, especially upon their children's
beliefs, values, and plans for the future.
Adolescence is often a time of increased conflict
between children and their parents, especially their
mothers. This might be because teenagers spend more
time with their mothers than their fathers, or because
mothers tend to take issue with aspects of behaviour
that touch on teenagers' sense of personal identity,
such as clothing or body piercing.
Although teenagers rely more upon their mothers for
emotional support, the relationship with fathers continues
to be important. Teenagers rely more upon their fathers
for conversation, advice, and just 'being there'. [39]
Adolescents who felt their fathers were 'available'
to them had fewer conflicts with their friends. [40]
Unfortunately, some fathers seem to withdraw from
their teenagers. Whether this is due to his concern
for instilling independence in his children, or due
to changes and stresses he is experiencing in his own
life, a reduction in a father's availability and guidance
during his children's adolescence can have bad consequences.
This is especially the case for daughters. As noted
above, fathers' involvement was important to both sons'
and daughters' self-esteem when they were in primary
school. However, for 15-16 year old girls, the level
of a mother's involvement seems to have more influence.
[41] Teenage girls find it easier to talk to their mothers,
which can make fathers feel as if they are not needed.
However, this is not the case. Teenage girls may find
self-esteem in their relationships with mothers, but
they find guidance about how to relate to others and
how to plan for the future from their fathers.
How Fathers Fit Into the Family
The Family System Social scientists often
emphasise the role of fathers in the family system,
and how their actions affect the entire environment
and context in which a child grows. One of the most
important ways a father influences that environment
is in his interaction with his children's mother. This
is because the relationships which children observe
and experience at an early age influence their own relationships
later in life. It is also because family relationships
are interrelated-the way that mothers and fathers interact
affects the mother-child relationship as well as the
father-child relationship. Because of this interrelatedness,
parents who have a strong and happy relationship have
a head-start to being good parents. [42]
Non-resident Fathers
Statistics about children who do not live with their
fathers can be grim. On almost every outcome that has
been tested, including educational achievement, self-esteem,
responsible social behaviour, and adjustment as adults,
children do better when they live with both of their
parents. Family instability and financial problems do
contribute to the poor outcomes for children from broken
homes. However, as one scholar who reviewed 28 studies
of father absence states: 'the major disadvantage related
to father absence for children is lessened parental
attention'. [43]
Non-resident fathers can face special challenges
in contributing positively to their children's development.
Fathers who do not live with their children simply are
less available to nurture, guide, and provide for their
children. In cases of divorce, some mothers limit the
time children have with their fathers. Fathers who were
never married are even less likely than divorced fathers
to keep in contact with their children. Moreover, the
large geographic distances that exist between some children
and their fathers make close relationships difficult
to maintain. Either parent or both may form new relationships
and have children with other people. In many cases,
the entire family enjoys a lower standard of living
when they live apart.
Despite these disadvantages, non-resident fathers
can still make a difference for their children. The
most obvious route of influence is by providing adequate
financial support. Studies show children whose fathers
pay child support do better in school and have fewer
behaviour problems. [44] Children who feel close to
their non-resident fathers also tend to do better. And,
when non-resident fathers are able to use their time
with their children wisely by helping with homework,
setting and enforcing rules, and supervising their children,
children can benefit a great deal. [45]
Married or Cohabiting Fathers
The role of marriage as a foundation for family life
has become controversial. More and more people are cohabiting
or living together before marriage or as an alternative
to marriage. More couples also are having children without
marrying. Some people say that marriage is 'just a piece
of paper' and does not make any difference to the couple
or their children. For some couples, this might be the
case. However, studies have shown that the majority
of cohabiting couples are less committed than married
couples, even if they have children. In fact, only 36%
of children born to cohabiting couples are likely to
live with both their mother and their father for their
entire childhood, compared to 70% of children born within
marriage. [46] It is for this reason that many supporters
of the father's role in raising children also support
marriage for fathers. [47]
Good Fathering is Good Parenting
Most children do best when their mothers and fathers
engage in what developmental psychologists call authoritative
parenting. This style of parenting involves spending
time with children, providing emotional support, giving
everyday assistance, monitoring children's behaviour,
and providing consistent, fair and proportionate discipline.
[48] This can be contrasted with permissive parenting,
in which parents avoid setting standards and limits,
and authoritarian parenting, in which parents are harsh
and rigid in their discipline and fail to respect their
child's point of view. Neither of these parenting styles
have as positive an influence on children's development
as authoritative parenting. Authoritative, or 'good
parenting', may be expressed in different styles. While
mothers tend to provide more emotional warmth for their
children, fathers provide a strong sense of security.
While children usually can depend on their mothers for
unconditional love, they often must earn their father's
approval. While mothers soothe their children more often,
fathers often provide more stimulation. All parents-both
mothers and fathers-have important roles in rearing
their children. Better appreciation of where fathers
fit in will lead to happier and more productive children.
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